Anti-Christmas Cards

1) Front: Season’s Greetings from your friendly dentist. Inside: Lay off the sweets, eh. Your teeth are disgusting.
2) Front: Season’s greetings from your trusty doctor. Inside: Lay off the Christmas cake. You’re overweight.
3) Front: Season’s Greetings from you local chiropractor. Inside: How about asking Santa for a new spine. Cuz yours is seriously f**ked!
4) Front: Merry Christmas. Inside: Yep. Shit. Gotta spend money on people besides yourself now.
5) Front: Merry Christmas. Inside: Your bank called. You’ve overdrafted!
6) Front: Merry Christmas. Inside: You’re boss wanted me to tell you that you’re fired!
7) Front: Happy Holidays. Inside: You wanna make me happy? Buy me a drink then!
8) Front: It’s cold in here. Inside: Quick! Throw the tree in the fire!
9) Front: Get the weed killer! Inside: We’ve got something growing in the living room!
10) All I want for Christmas is my first two pints!
11) Front: Do they know it’s Christmas? Inside: Yes, we do! And we just don’t give a shit!
12) Front: It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Inside: Not if you have a bloody life!
13) Front: Santa Claus is coming to town. Inside: Hide your children now!!
14) Front: Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! Inside: Let it pour! Let it pour! Let it pour!
15) Front: Deck the Halls: Inside: With lines of cocaine.
16) It’ beginning to look a lot like Hell!
17) Front: Go ahead…email me a snowball this year. Inside: I will hunt you down and kill you!
18) Front: Wow! A DVD player! Thanks. Inside: Here’s your gift, a bag of chips!
19) Front: Wife: “We don’t have to get each other gifts this year, just as long as we can spend Christmas together. Inside: Husband: Could I spend it with your sister also?
20) December: Eat this shit, buy this shit. C’mon, it’s Christmas! January to November: Exercise your fat ass on that treadmill and then see if you can pay off your debt. December: Okay, okay, buy this shit again, and eat this too. C’mon, treat yourself, it’s Christmas. Corporate scum!
21) We get a day off for Christmas, great! Where was my day off for Halloween?!!
22) The dog just took a dump under the tree! Who’s gift will that be?
23) Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and harmony in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah. Dear Sarah, your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
24) Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Johnny. Dear Johnny, have you seen the babysitter your dad is banging? I’ll bring you some legos instead!
25) Dear Santa, what do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys? Your friend, Jack. Dear Jack, all the toys get made in China, Indonesia, Malaysia, and the Philippines. As for me, I’m usually in Vegas squeezing waitresses asses and blowing all the money you give me at the roulette table. You happy with that? Love Santa!
26) Yay! It’s Christmas, another movie with Jennifer Anniston! Yay!!!